hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
