Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize