Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
