90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
