I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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