Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
