my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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