two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
