would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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