I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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