Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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