I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
