omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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