Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
