Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
