Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
