i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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