Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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