I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
