I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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