the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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