The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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