my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
