So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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