There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
