Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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