My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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