Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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