I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize