When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
