Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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