If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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