Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
