I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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