i just had sex bonerless
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
