Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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