she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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