I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
