They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
