Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
