She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Someone signed my nipple.
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