Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
