just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
