Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
