Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
