Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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