She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
