Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
