Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
