When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize