Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Randomize
