is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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