My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
