alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
they're like a gay fantastic four
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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