sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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