i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
you traded sex for a burrito?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
