In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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