My underwear smells like fireworks.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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