omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
