i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
