Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
