I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
