I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
