So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
