Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
