i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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