i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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